I’m writting to you Maddox, because it’s easier expressing the journey to you, as you are on it with me, rather than trying to describe it to others.
It’s been the fastest, most life changing month of my life. I think everyone feels that way when they become a mother or parent. It is like nothing I’ve ever experience before. It’s been so hard trying to describe to others what it feels like becoming a mom. To be honest, I still have no idea. But becoming your mom is a lot easier. You are without a doubt the sweetest little baby I’ve met so far. All you do it sleep and eat. And when you are not, you just lay there quietly for an hour or two, just staring at me or sometimes when you have been sleeping, you wake up without a sound and just stare towards the sky. I think you’ll be a thinker. Like your dad. You are evolving your appearance every day. But you are constantly switching between attributes from both me and dad. I can already tell you have a heart bigger than most. I don’t know how I can tell, maybe it’s because of your eyes. You have very special eyes. You have the shape of my eyes, and hopefully you will get your dad’s crystal blue colour. When I am in the need of strength, I just lay next to you and stare into your eyes and you literally stare straight into my soul right back. Not much has happened the first month. And It really shouldn’t.
I guess the biggest thing is my feelings towards you. When you first came it was more a feeling of being relieved. You arrived. Healthy. After 8 days of waiting. And 30+h delivery. And finally a cesarean. I still can’t take the moment in. Even though I have it all on film when we first met, my heart still can’t handle all the emotions I feel when I watch it. It’s been quite hard having my first baby when we already have two children at home. Everyone have these special moments as a family when their first born arrive home, well, we didn’t. It was special. 100%. But a different kind of special. First I got quite upset about it, because it felt really crowded and you didn’t get the space you deserved. But it gave us, you and me, the time to connect and it gave us moments that I still feel are just ours. Even though you sleep through the whole night, I long for the morning every night I put you to sleep. Because in the mornings we just lay and stare at each other for 30 minutes. 30 minutes before anyone else is up. 30 minutes where I’m not feeding you, 30 minutes where we just lay and look at each other and I listen to your breaths. These mornings are life changing. These mornings have already tumbled my whole world. They are everything. You are everything.
You have already made me see the world differently. That happened within the first 2-3 days. And now, a month later, everything is completely different. I will never be the same. The things that you used to clog my brain, no longer exist. The things I used to want to do, I no longer think about. My future looks completely different. My goals are completely different. Everything is different. because of you. And I could never thank you more for that. Because you’re exactly what I ever wanted, and more importantly, what I ever needed.
Thank you for a worldwind of our first month together. And thank you for finally making me feel complete.
I love you so much.