Today I saw you through a glass, across two streetlights, about 100 meters away. My whole body felt it. Because it made me turn 180 degrees. The second I turned my sight was set on you. A girl, a very beautiful girl crossing a streetlight. I got goosebumps, so I looked even closer and as you were approaching the second streetlight, I saw you that it was you. My little sister. However, not so little any longer. You looked so grown up. So so beautiful. Skinnier, taller, and you were smiling. I can’t even remember the last time I saw you smile. I can’t even remember the last time I saw you to be honest. But you were approaching me. Quickly. And my entire body just wanted to race towards you. It was such a strong chemical reaction. My heart wasn’t even racing. It was completely struck. I looked at Oscar and said “That’s my sister. That’s my Kajsa.” He replied “Stay”. But you got closer. And even though I just wanted to run up and show you Maddox. Show you my big bump. Throw my hands around you and tell you all about the past 3 years. Oh god. 3 years. 3 years since we last saw each other. But many more years since we last spoke and actually enjoyed each other’s company and told each other about ourselves. But I couldn’t. I didn’t even know what to say, where to being. What hit me was that you felt like the most foreign thing. Yet, you are probably the only person I would recognise through a shopping glass, in a crowd of hundreds of people, 100 meters away. I realised I don’t know you any longer. I don’t know what your interests are. I don’t know who your friends are. I don’t know what makes you happy. What makes you cry. Who gets to steal your heart. What makes you tick. What makes you fire away. I don’t know anything. So, as I am writing this with tears drowning my face. I hope you read this, because I hope you are wondering who I am now days.
I have changed. A lot. I know you probably don’t want to believe that. But so much has happened the past 3 years, and like I said above, pretty much the past century since we pretty much last spoke. Like properly at least.
I have done a lot of stupid things that have hurt you. But I have also done everything that I could at the times when you haven’t agreed with me. I have heard that you don’t see eye to eye with a lot of my decisions. But I think if you would have heard me tell my stories, if you would have heard me tell you everything I have been through, things I have taken myself through and from, I think you would be proud.
I have failed and faltered at many things. But I have also won a lot.
I have met the love of my life. A man that is everything I know you would have wanted for me. He is the smartest person I have ever met and he makes all my days better. I have two wonderful boys that I have grown to adore. Because they teach me so much more about myself than anyone ever has. They are kind. Playful. Silly. Warm and I think they adore me just as much back. I have grounded myself a lot. I am no longer easily impressed, which I know you used to roll your eyes at before. Well, not any longer. I still have a big heart and a forgiving one. People take advantage of that. Especially Dad. I never chose his side. I just wanted the the hate to disappear from us. I thought it was the right way to move on at the time. But I have learned for the 200th time, that he is who he is. And that is his weakness.
But we’re not. We’re different. I don’t excuse the sides I have from him, but I sure as hell am doing everything in my power to think more how grandma and mom would. I know you are too. I know we want similar things. Not same. But similar. And I am so sorry for not understanding that the past couple of years.
Today, family means everything. And here I used to think that I never would have a family. Today my family is rapidly growing. In a couple of weeks, two to be exact, my first born son is here. And he is so ready to meet you. I want him to meet you. I want you to teach him to be just as wise and cynical as you can be. In the very best way. I think he will be extremely smart. Just like his dad. So you will probably enjoy teaching him everything you know. Because I’m sure he will soak up everything up like a sponge. I want you to shape him.
You might not read this, but even if there is the slightest chance that you do. I am taking the chance to have had this said. Today, hit me so much harder than I ever thought it would. Not that I ever imagined that we might even meet again. But it made me realise that I hope with all my heart that you felt me too when you passed me. Because seeing you today was one of the strongest feelings I have ever felt. And I wouldn’t have felt that for anyone else, but you. Because you are my sister. My little sister. Even if you don’t like to see it that way. You will always be my little sister. And I know that you know that I will always be there in a heartbeat if you need me. Because I will never stop loving the first person, and so far, the only person, that I am responsible for.
It’s you and Maddox.
I love you.